Showing posts from 2011

Happy New Year!

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As I ready myself to invite 2012 into my life, somethings about the past year stand out starkly.

Two of my books were finally done, and put out into the world. I started two blogs. This came about, I kid you not, solely because I was furious. Never before have I used anger constructively. The results of being as angry before have been dreadful headaches and vaguely proved memory loss.

I met a questionable holy man, who despite my doubts, imparted significant knowledge and had me lose a miraculous 8 pounds in 2 weeks. Even though he had his eyes on a voluptuous neighbor as I asked him questions about the future and deeper philosophies, I'm still grateful. See? They were right about having an open mind. There are certainly diamonds to be found in the muck. Just have to shut your eyes, and plug your nose for good measure.

After eleven long years of thinking that it didn't really matter, going through career changes and staying home too, I discovered that I…


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For the first time, in a long time, I've felt at peace. Likely, I'll jinx myself by saying this. But if I can talk about confusion and unhappiness with ease, this should be as natural.

I think Mini-Him's reaction to news of a sibling's arrival had something to do with it. He said, "It's true?!"
Him and I smiled and nodded.
"No! It's not true...," he insisted, and asked in a small voice, "is it?"
We laughed, because his eyes haven't stayed open that wide in some years, around the time he was four and he knelt by the fireplace, looking up the chimney for Santa's boots on Christmas Eve.
"Oh...oh I'm so glad Mom!!! I'm so proud of you!!" he said, grabbing me in a dance, suddenly stopping, and he said, "Oh, and Baby, I don't care if you're a boy or a girl, I'm just glad you're here!"

I was a quivering mass of sentiment by the time he was done and had to escape, …

Love to death

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The shock of cold water seemed to seal the heat within. Leia's body had run into the ocean's forbidding chill, on instinct. There had been no mental prep or conditioning. It was to save herself.

He had walked around the Dodge and waved, in the general direction of the group. He would find her, she thought, and she would be speechless again. Hazel eyes and smiling innocence, knowing her fluttering heart and yet, seeking friendship, that she did not want to extend. Sort of like offering a match stick as kindling for a raging fire.

Rachel walked, swaying toward him, in time with his body swaying toward hers. The unconscious comfort of lovers, the signal that confirms suspicions to the world before anything is verbalized. Leia's breath caught as she turned away and tried to wade in, as waves pushed her toward the shore. Desperation stretched out ahead, as far and as deep as the ocean. It would be wonderful to drown in it. To let it roll and break far a…

Past forward, and the dream update :-)

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There are times when I wish memories from the past would leave me alone. Even the happy memories. It seems to me that I haven't yet been able to make peace with the present. Or the fact that the good, happy memories are meant to fuel my aspirations for the future. Instead, I'm obsessed with holding on to the memory of every sight, sound, person and wayward leaf.

I've been trying to move forward. I do...sometimes, it's a mad stop in the present and a mad dash toward a future that I can't wait to meet. Very often though, I feel lost in a wilderness that I'm in no hurry to leave. Either the perfection of the present or the perfection of the past, even with it's troubles, holds me captive. And of course, there are endless ways in which to use hindsight.

But there is something compelling about an ocean of memories. Our lives are huge lessons. For me at least, the people and moments in my life shaped me definitively. And their absence cont…

Light and dark

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Swirling silk kissed
her calves as she walked
Tap, tap, tap each step seemed
a beckoning toward
his future.

A future with loving eyes
of brandy warmth, drugging kisses that drew out longing
from lips that threw sharp words against darkness
when it's provocation stirred
a passionate heart.

Hands steady, arms held out
a breath stopped, waiting
her future waiting to be embraced
certain and unafraid,
of perceived light.

A future with loving eyes
that saw more than just brandy warmth.
drugging kisses that shied not from darkness
lips framing retorts when a mind stirred against wrong
yet tempered as the heart stayed steady.

A promise of eternity
for one, eternity was light existing alone
for the other, eternal light
existed with darkness that sought
to diminish itself.

pic credit - and out...of LOVE...

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It just occurred to me today, that we talk about "falling in love". It's rarely the tacky sounding, "feeling the love", or the wordy "experiencing love" or a simple "I love him/her/you".

First, why do we fall into it? Is it an abyss that pulls us downward? Or a mythical ocean of bliss?
Then follows my second point, if someone is out of love, that must mean that they climbed out of the abyss, or stopped swimming in an ocean of bliss.

Where do we go when we "fall in love"? Where are we when we're "in love"? We make some very permanent choices/changes when we're in these special zones. People seem to fall out of these zones easily and the choices remain.

Then there is the celebrity sounding, "We fell in love all over again!" So we fall into the abyss/are swimming in the mythical ocean/are back in our special place again? Having left once, we're ready to run back in, to feel all t…

Unreal Beauty

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Beautiful world has a hold on me
Sleepy journey into bliss sets me free
Struggle to hold on, hold on to peace
People, sights and sounds tantalize, tease.

Do I wear red, blue, yellow, another hue?
My best friend, a diamond, they sell it true
Wouldn't want a friend so cold and hard
Blood spilled to fuel their spark, spirit charred.

Art, spiritual expression, oft a mockery
Admire the intention, the product trickery
Wars, fights for justice, easily flipped reason
Any where you turn, every argument a treason.

Enjoyment artificial, a wreath
on free spirited creativity, stifled breath
Yet hope is seductive, beckons,
Beautiful life captivates, even for just seconds.

Memory of fleeting truth and beauty
Strong persuader, call to duty
Duty to love, trust and believe
Remain unspoiled, and somewhat naive.

So I come back, charmed and jaded world,
still more mysterious than peace unfurled
Grabs me at once, unloving, handcuffs in gold
Want to run, again, now, to escape it&…

My dream-life

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There are these dreams that I have where the colors are so vivid, and I seem to be part of the dream in every way, that reality becomes the story. I've had difficulty reorienting myself after waking up.

There was the dream of a friend eating a really ripe, green fruit. She wore green too. The strangest part of the dream was watching these bunch of girls, all in green, eating that really ripe fruit.There was fruit juice all over the place. I couldn't fathom why it was so vivid. And really, why on earth I couldn't stop talking about it. Him had an evil glint in his eye when I told him. His eyebrows danced and he said, "Out with it. What did you really dream about?"

It escaped me, for a moment, what he meant. Then I realized that it was some ribald thought and ignored him.

Still I brought it up again, and he looked wearily on and said, "Okay, so these girls ate a really ripe fruit. Maybe you saw an avocado ad. Maybe you read about breadf…

The green eyed monster and lemon yellow

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I finally decided to open a door that I'd shut away, probably during my fugly teen years. The promise, to never look in and never allow the monster inside to glimpse daylight has been tested many times. But it happened most severely with this one person. A perfectly lovely being who goes about her life in her unique fashion. But there is not a whole lot of logic to the jealousy that I feel.

It's terrible admitting it. Even more awful feeling it. And yes, since I promised that my blog would be about humanness too, here it is.

Over yesterday and today, I allowed myself to think about her. A good friend. Who I see very rarely, because we moved and all that. But there is a freedom about this person that is difficult to ignore. She is nothing if not, happily, confidently, care-free. No, she doesn't live a charmed life. I've been privy to some of the sudden endings and shaky beginnings in her particular journey. But never once, did she lose her sense …

A woman's place

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"I have to pick up Ian." Janice sighed, as she collected her bag. "His teacher called. Apparently, he's running a temperature."

Geoff watched her walk away, back held strong, waving at co-workers on her way out. In the three years that as her boss, he had watched her often. With a rising desperation each time.

He had alternately loved and hated Janice. He had fallen hard for her, on their first encounter in the elevator that took them up to their twenty-third floor office. She had laughed and joked with everyone there, making sullen Monday morning faces bloom. She had smiled at him easily, drawing him into her warm radiance and holding him captive.

He had hated her the day that she had made an effective presentation, the following month, proving that the sales strategy she had proposed was a better choice. Over his. Of course, none of it was intended that way. When she was divorced a year later, unexpectedly, the light in her had dimmed…

About the ALS Walk

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I have another blog, where I post information about incurable diseases, personal accounts of dealing with the diseases, and various fund raisers that enable research for cures and help survivors and families.

So far, I've had a few posts about ALS. My friend Linda has talked about her twin sister's battle with ALS.
ALS chapters around the country hold walks/runs to raise funds, get together and stay strong. The many links provided in the posts are a way to reach out to these organizations for help/donations. ALS, like any irreversible illness, takes a great toll on families. They're only just narrowing down causes, and a cure is as yet unknown.

There is an ALS walk on the 17th of September in Salem, Oregon. Do join them if you're in the vicinity. Donations of any amount would make a difference to families.

Here's a link to the blog, where there are other links to take you directly to the ALS website. No donations are handled through my blog…

memories in the dusk

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"Was she beautiful?"  rosebud mouth framed lisping words.
"How much did you love her?" strident words echoed instantly
"Tell us, tell us about you," an ear for a story, eager eyes met his.

His gnarled hands reached, fingertips resting, on his cheek
mornings of light, her tapering fingers, caressing him so,
a call to life, the one he met, grateful and unflinching for fifty odd years.

"Grandpa?" a lisp sounded,
His eyes were locked, in space, filled by a vision
Her back, flowing like dunes, soft curve inward,
drops of moisture, like gems, static then tracking a path down,
as she undressed, after gardening, cooking, the day,
while he waited, for a sight of grace.

"Did you hear us?" strident voice sounded,
His ears rang with her laughter,
"Darling, would you please...?" she began, so often,
He would pretend not to hear, so she would call him again,
Mellifluous notes, songs of desire, she loved to sing,

Leslie Mills and Yanni

She changes the music so completely! Beautiful, rich voice. All content copyrighted.

F for... fly fishing, I hope...guess not!

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Mini-Him's vocabulary is on the rise, these days. When everything else is on the downswing, when Him and I plan relentlessly for possible emergencies/contingencies/financial upendings etc, this aspect of our lives has a high interest yield. In fact, there's little chance that it'll ever see a downside, Mini-Him being himself.

He's learning to curse. So animatedly. And boy, the permutations and combinations are mind boggling. I had NO IDEA that kids had such depth. We have a daily, front seat view. Next to the Sony speakers with sub-woofers.

The first time he tossed a gem into the air, he was eight. He had just started using the school bus, that veritable home of Ph.d's in multi-hued linguistics. He said Mother F (word rhyming with "Tucker"), with such carelessness, that Him and I forgot to breathe.

"What did you just say?" I finally got out.

"What? Oh! L taught me that. I say it when I'm really frustrated. Like …

Cool ventures

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Mini-Him has interests. Many interests. His last foray was into music.

"Mom?" he began, and I knew.
"You know...I saw this girl play the violin in school, and she looked so cool! Can I learn to play it?"

This was new. Violin? Something that requires dedication and practice? He's not there yet. I mean, I love my son. But he's just not that determined, yet. But I couldn't throw cold water on his child-like ambition could I? No, even if my antennae nearly knocked themselves out, sensing where this was headed, I would only be supportive.

"Ah. So, want to play the violin, because, because a girl looked really cool playing it?"


"You know that it requires a lot of practice, don't you?"

"Oh yeah. That's what she said. I think I could master it." Mini-Him isn't a Leo star sign for nothing. His supreme self confidence is trumped only by his cat-in-the sun languor. A langu…

About another blog...

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I would like to take a moment to introduce

Reach for life is a blog dedicated to giving voice, in one platform, to the many organizations that enable research and care of those affected by diseases without a definite cure. The thought came from a friend, Linda H.Batty, who lost her twin sister, Laurie, to ALS or Lou Gehrig's disease. While Linda is deeply involved with constantly researching information and helping other families stricken by ALS, she struck a chord when she said that there are many organizations that are trying to do just this type of thing. I wondered if having them all in one place, with easy to access links, families' account of events and a run up of basic necessities will allow for greater participation in individual causes.  

My first few posts are about ALS, Linda and Laurie and the ALS Support group. They have a walk coming up on 17 September, 2011. A walk in support of many of those who lose th…

An excerpt from "With you in my heart"

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I have an excerpt here from my book. This is from the life of Aditi, one of the main characters in the story.

-----She went to Dehradun. It was all her worried family would allow. The trip was about an hour away from Saharanpur. The college year was coming to a close and she had just six more months to go.  She insisted on traveling alone, and Mr. Krishna decided to make her as comfortable as he could. She stayed in a women’s hostel for the three weeks that she was away. She had left her books behind. Her desolation and hurt accompanied her wherever she went. The Sahastradhara springs, graceful and diminutive, were in full flow from the rains. She stood for hours under them, oblivious to the touristy stares and male curiosity. The sulfurous water washed away a lot. Her sense of shame, for one. Her need to conform diminished as she sat, listlessly, waiting for the oft discussed magical healing to take place. She went back to her basic hostel room, everyday for …

Review and Giveaway

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Michelle, from the Bookwormfamily, reviewed "With you in my heart" on her blog. I am so happy to read her review of the book. The Bookworm family reviews books of most genres.

There is a contest to win a free copy ( the title on this post should take you to the page and the Bookwormfamily link should work too). Five free copies are being given away - so hurry up and get yours!

Do visit her blog to read about what she thinks of the book and also to enter the giveaway!

Here's the link -

Just twenty steps away

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So close it seemed,
Just twenty steps away.
Every color filled dream,
No more gray.

Time tires of the wait,
Play at ten, laughter at thirty,
Dreams beckon, shaping fate,
Unsure now, still flirty.

"What dreams are yours?" asked a child,
Hopeful innocence, trusting eyes,
Words at sixty sound hollow, while grief goes wild,
Utter colorful words, more lies.

For the dreams lay unclaimed,
Like a child, unloved and untended,
Flirty fun rationed to possibilities, but now ashamed,
Self - present, projected, upended.

Unreal present, all I had dreamed,
Let go in fear, hollow now, gone astray.
So close it seemed,
Just twenty steps away.

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Inner Piece?

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I just signed off a conversation with my brother. 
Po, the Kung-Fu Panda, went on a noble quest to find inner peace (I keep re-writing it as inner piece...a piece that will have all other pieces make sense...rambling...rambling...). Little brother and I ended our stop/start type conversation of three hours with, "gotta find inner piece...".  I added an automatic, "That's funny." Little bro didn't think so. "Not really," he said, "it's painful." He hung up, not leaving time for me to delve further into his take on matters. 
"No, it's funny. Really." I said to the skype screen. 
What really is painfully funny, tragic, sad and terribly expected, I believe, is our response to the many stimuli in our environment. We're pre-programmed creatures. Not so different from the robots we invented. Some degree of latitude is present. But for the most part, I doubt that we stray very far from the instruction man…