Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Under confidence and it's burdens

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Where does under confidence stem from? I've often wondered about this rather paralyzing and useless condition. There are many theories out there and at some point, I could identify with every one of the possible reasons for feeling inadequate.

pic credit - Ambro; freedigitalphotos.net
Yet, there was something within the framework of my mind/judgement that permitted a self-defeating reaction to challenges each time. While environment may condition us, I don't believe there was anything monstrously wrong with my childhood. It was filled with love and comfort always. At some point things changed.

It might have been a first crush's crushing response.
It might have been not being able to face down a challenge that was overwhelming.
It might have started with believing that in order to rise up to an ideal, I had to stop being what I was.
In essence then, I was telling myself that I was not worthy of the ideal, as I was.

We've heard it too often; the pearl of wisdom, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
It makes much more sense growing up that it did to my teenage self. The vagaries of life seem to even out the playing field considerably.

If there was one converstion I could have with my younger self, I would reach out only to say -

"Meet everyone in the eye and believe that you're there because you are supposed to be."
"If you look dreadful, it's just a phase. If you look beautiful, it's just a phase. "
"Take care of your body and pay no heed to anyone who believes it is not worthy. No one else needs to share their unnecessary opinion on your appearance."
"Dress well. It'll make you feel better. What they say really is true."
"Pray unashamedly and openly if you have to."
"Always do the thing that eases the knot of tension in your chest. You want to write? Then write away!" 
"Don't hold back believing that it will happen spontaneously one day. Or that the unease needs to be ignored. It just grows stronger then, leaving you unhappy and unable to let go. Let go of your dream while you are willfully ignoring it!"

"Other kids are just that. Kids. They know as much as you, maybe a little less, maybe a little more. They're fishing in the dark when they insult you. Your expression is a light bulb to them. They'll forget you when they have a good time. You'll remember them through the good times and the bad. And keep feeling bad."
"Your mind, heart and spirit are meant to be here. At every moment, you're meant to be present." 
"Make fewer jokes about yourself. Or your imperfections." 

"When it comes to choices, the ones around which you structure your life, demand to choose alone.
This way, you will see sooner rather than later, that most of it, is for us to deal with. Therefore our thoughts, feelings and actions are beyond anyone else's ability to judge (though they will.) 
Thoughts, feelings and actions help you express yourself on your solitary path toward...
Toward? Toward what you are looking for."

In the end, that is the question I will ask myself now and ask the younger me to think about...
What am I looking for? Why is it important? How can I go and get it?

After all, on a freeway, do blaring horns, however menacing and loud, deter us from our exits? Where on earth is the connection, right? You want to get to your exit or else! Why do we get side tracked by blaring horns and glaring headlights on our journey toward what is important?

The only answer to that, in my mind, is that it would be possible if we were running on empty. Empty of conviction, love and equilibrium.

Equilibrium that comes from knowing that we are capable of fighting. And that we choose to focus instead on our destination. Everything else is just noise and distraction.

So self-confidence, to me now, is believing that I can and staying focused on the destination and being able to ignore disruptions that come from imbalance in others.

I can go rest now. I've thought about this all day!

Pic link - http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1499