Thursday, January 9, 2014

Kvetching...

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I've been running so fast that I'm constantly surprised that the world around me seems unchanged when I step out of home. And that's really it. I've been home and doing home-ly things since September. Not that I don't get out. But let's just say that the cashier at the local store asked me why I didn't pick up a bit of produce that week that had been discounted. "You always buy that!" she said, looking around for someone to bring me the said produce that was 40% off that week.

Another cashier at another store looked at Baby Him and said "I like his Tigger t-shirt...he hasn't worn it the last few times that you've been here."

Life is predictable, and cashiers of all persuasions know what I'm about. I just don't anymore.

There are moments when bottomless tiredness makes me want to run toward silence and calm. And then there are times when it seems like I have to direct my disobeying body toward what must be done.

I have strange moments when I wonder...and this is what kills in the end. Not planning ahead for a future that suddenly seems set in stone, but the *itch called hindsight who is full of I-told-you-so's. Moments when I wonder if I should've made a trip I was too tired to join. Moments when I wonder, about my childhood, when my Mom would express joy at a field of flowers, and I in teenage arrogance, would dismiss it as  "nothing special"...I wonder if I couldn't have said what I really felt. If I couldn't possibly have joined her when she walked through the field, looking so happy inspite of a sullen teen who refused happiness. I wonder what might've been if I had put my foot down, hard enough, strong enough to disband burdensome advice.

But most of all, I wonder if life will ever mean more than basics. If all the grandiose ideas that we are taught to have actually have place in our lives. If joy can be a part of our daily existence and misery never be allowed to occupy our spaces. I'd never have wondered about this some months ago. But a mono chromatic existence makes me long for more. The sun, time in solitude, music, the waves, but mostly, silence in which my thoughts can flow uninterrupted, and when I can write what I really feel.

I don't intend to have such a morbid post again. A little kvetching today.



I

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Desire in shadows

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"Red Abstract Backgrounds" by photoraidz at www.freedigitalphotos.net

It was in the shadows
nothing confirmed by words or their ilk
the veil that dropped over chocolate irises
when trying to block the vision of curved waist
through champagne colored silk .

It was in the shadows
the little grimace while turning away
coral tinted lips that broke from a smile
too brief to notice in the insistent glory of summer
except for one who knew how the shadows lay.

The whispered words had been in the shadows of the night
no promises made to stand the strength of day.
Still, desire strong but unprotected without the shadows
was glimpsed in trembling red tipped fingers,
and chocolate eyes that couldn't stay away.


credit - "Red abstract Backgrounds" by photoraidz at www.freedigitalphotos.net


Sunday, June 16, 2013

Stunned or benumbed

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"I'm stunned out of my socks!" Mini-Him's post lunch hyperbole caught my attention. I had rarely used the word "stun" "stunning" or "stunned" at home. After Mini-Him's use though, I guess my eyes were open for the word.

The number of times we're told to be "Stunned" by the media is, frankly, stunning. There are any number of women who are stunning, have stunned or plan to "stun" on the red carpet. Scenery of all kinds race to make top favorites as "the most stunning" and nail and hair can also be, stunning.

I had such a giggle when I read Merriam Webster's online dictionary definition for the word "stun" - (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/stun source)

1 - To make senseless, groggy or dizzy (bwaahahahahhaaaa!!!)

2- To shock with noise (Her gown SCREAMED couture?)

3- To overcome especially with paralyzing astonishment or disbelief... (I cannot believe the foliage is so golden red! I can't move...)

Perhaps we want to convey the wonder we feel. Perhaps we'd rather use few words with our minds running in code/abbreviations. Hmm...stunning in short..."Jenfer Anstn STND on rd crpt". Maybe we're too lazy to search for appropriate terms. I've see a range of celebrities held up to that "stunning" standard. One's eyes water from more than just precarious necklines.

I can see language spin off a new form of expression. As Esperanto intended, but never did, perhaps this will unite the world.

V WLL B 1...STND 2GTHR.

Abbreviated thought and expression...SHUDDER!!!




Monday, May 6, 2013

Confounding...

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When I hear about possible second earths and alternate universes, it seems ridiculous that I have to study math, physics and chemistry again.

Huh?! you say...

Yes...I do too. Why, when there is so much going on in the world, any number of things that could upend carefully orchestrated plans to complete licensing requirements, do I have to apply my scrambled from two kids brain to studying what I have before. Never mind that I can't remember jack.

I'd envisioned being 35 and having a tangible self. It is the exact opposite now. There is nothing less tangible than my sense of self. I'm sure a lot of new moms/second-fifth-twentieth time moms might feel the same. I don't see it changing in the near future either. It's rather late to be having questions like "Who am I"...and "What am I here for" plague my nights. I thought that useless questioning ended with my teens. Apparently I still have commonalities with my teen years - I'm hormonal and lost.

The good thing is that the weight loss efforts are fruitful. Like my good doctor said, there is a looooong way to go. But there is progress that makes me want to continue working at it.

Baby-him is a busy baby. He cannot sit still. Mini-Him is a mouthy, cute and hyper ten year old who is still given to unsettling insight. His latest being, "Why do I have to study so much...why do I need a degree..just so I can have ONE MORE PERSON BOSS ME AROUND?!"

This was a not so subtle reference to pressure tactics from yours truly. His Math needed attention.

Of course, I couldn't tell him that I was still bossed around at 35. By Baby-Him, by folks at licensing boards and college advisors and Him issuing instructions from far away. No...it's important, even if unrealistic at times, to hold on to hope/illusion that our lives will be unique!

All of it makes me wonder about those alternate universes/earths. What if there are life forms there already? What if we decide to set up home there? Are we going to have an Earth 2 stock exchange? Earth 2 health insurance (valid during brief stays on Earth 1 - certain restrictions apply), are we going to introduce money so people can work all their lives to relax in comfort in an old age made miserable from lack of rest? Are we going to import religious order? Are we going to create one more? And ostracize those who don't follow it?

What are we going to do on a new earth that we don't do here already? More of the same?

How in the name of goodness do we ever step off?

I do love this though...

http://science.time.com/2013/05/05/exoplanets/
photo credit - foto76, freedigitalphotos.net


pic credit - "Two Hand holding young plant on nature background" by foto76, www.freedigitalphotos.net

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Weighting for less

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I have a love hate relationship with the weighing scale. When I get on the glass and steel decider of my weekly fate, my heart very nearly slows to a stop. For an insentient thing, it wields an enormous power over my existence.

Which brings me to my existence.

In the beginning, it appeared to go from reminder to reminder.

Reminder 1 - "You've already had your bread for today. No more!"
Reminder 2 - "You've had it good for so long, now stop dreaming of bread."
Reminder 3 - "Drink some water and no, Mini-Him's jalapeno cheese on Him's ciabatta will not do you any favors."

When did I become such a comfort junkie?! Even as I type out the word "comfort", visions of softly resisting, yeasty, steaming bread run across the projector of my mind. Superimposed on an equally fluffy, doughy me.
It seems the hardest thing to give up. Everything else is alright. I love veggies and can eat them all the time. But allowing myself only those two slices for breakfast in the morning is such cruel punishment for thoughtless indulgence.

Something about chewy comfort of that kind takes me to a safe and warm place. That word again. Safe. Home seems a feeling. A feeling of rightness without surprises. Working on the many layers (excuse the pun) of my weighty self, the most consistent choices are the safest, non-variable and densest ones.

Which brings me to why I would need dense foods to feel...well...safe and good. And grounded. That's really it. It makes me feel like I'm safely anchored to planet earth. Otherwise, I feel like a free floating and very confused spirit. I felt like that, rather, until I began meditating and locating the source of the discomfort.

The very fact of realizing that there was some constant uneasiness went a long way toward easing my cravings. I can't believe it, but this week went by without needing much bread. Just my daily whole grain 2 slices in the morning. The weight quit climbing and the exercise is making a difference. A lot of visualization and self-talk there, but it helped. I haven't talked to myself in ages. Of course I sound cuckoo...maybe I am. But it helps me a great deal.

Also, Pam from http://www.pleemiller.blogspot.com/ is my wonderful inspiration. Her positive outlook makes me think that things are possible this time :-) Hugs to you Pam.

I have this wonderful quote I found while trying to talk/read/boost and scold myself into positivity. Found it at www.quotegarden.com.

Reality check:  you can never, ever, use weight loss to solve problems that are not related to your weight.  At your goal weight or not, you still have to live with yourself and deal with your problems.  You will still have the same husband, the same job, the same kids, and the same life.  Losing weight is not a cure for life.  ~Phillip C. McGraw, The Ultimate Weight Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom, 2003

That's just what I needed to remind myself of all the things that do matter. And that after the pounds, there's everything that makes it all worthwhile.

A little bit of bread would surely make it better.

Never mind!