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There are times when I wish memories from the past would leave me alone. Even the happy memories. It seems to me that I haven't yet been able to make peace with the present. Or the fact that the good, happy memories are meant to fuel my aspirations for the future. Instead, I'm obsessed with holding on to the memory of every sight, sound, person and wayward leaf.
I've been trying to move forward. I do...sometimes, it's a mad stop in the present and a mad dash toward a future that I can't wait to meet. Very often though, I feel lost in a wilderness that I'm in no hurry to leave. Either the perfection of the present or the perfection of the past, even with it's troubles, holds me captive. And of course, there are endless ways in which to use hindsight.
But there is something compelling about an ocean of memories. Our lives are huge lessons. For me at least, the people and moments in my life shaped me definitively. And their absence continues to shape me.
I long for the warmth of home, and yet, I long for the moments when I believed that I would be on my own someday. Those moments held promise and power. I long for the safety of sheltering, understanding arms. And at once, I'm glad to be here, now, by myself.
Maybe opening my heart to new things is part of it, and somehow, there's something vital that I've missed about the life I've lived so far. Perhaps "doing" more than "thinking" might bring home the point.
It also seems, that letting go would entail some level of disconnect. There would be things, good and bad, that will become neutral or stop mattering. I think that, from all other reasons, holds me back.
But it remains to be dealt with.
I'm trying somethings for it and can hopefully talk about it, if I have some progress.
After all, it doesn't seem like there is very much time to live a future, as much as there is time to live in past memories. Life does move inexorably forward, and when it slows down after a few decades, I'm pretty sure I'll snap back into the 'old times' to take me through the last few days of the future.
Also, "the weird dream" update -
Turns out that Mini-him will, hopefully, have a Mini-sibling soon (June, and if Mini-Him's set precedent is anything to go by, much earlier!) Who knew? Snakes and green fruit and what not? It's been wonderful; the morning sickness, the sleepiness and everything is still miraculous to me:-)
pic credit - http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1256
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| pic credit - Evgeni Dinev; freedigitalphotos.net |
I've been trying to move forward. I do...sometimes, it's a mad stop in the present and a mad dash toward a future that I can't wait to meet. Very often though, I feel lost in a wilderness that I'm in no hurry to leave. Either the perfection of the present or the perfection of the past, even with it's troubles, holds me captive. And of course, there are endless ways in which to use hindsight.
But there is something compelling about an ocean of memories. Our lives are huge lessons. For me at least, the people and moments in my life shaped me definitively. And their absence continues to shape me.
I long for the warmth of home, and yet, I long for the moments when I believed that I would be on my own someday. Those moments held promise and power. I long for the safety of sheltering, understanding arms. And at once, I'm glad to be here, now, by myself.
Maybe opening my heart to new things is part of it, and somehow, there's something vital that I've missed about the life I've lived so far. Perhaps "doing" more than "thinking" might bring home the point.
It also seems, that letting go would entail some level of disconnect. There would be things, good and bad, that will become neutral or stop mattering. I think that, from all other reasons, holds me back.
But it remains to be dealt with.
I'm trying somethings for it and can hopefully talk about it, if I have some progress.
After all, it doesn't seem like there is very much time to live a future, as much as there is time to live in past memories. Life does move inexorably forward, and when it slows down after a few decades, I'm pretty sure I'll snap back into the 'old times' to take me through the last few days of the future.
Also, "the weird dream" update -
Turns out that Mini-him will, hopefully, have a Mini-sibling soon (June, and if Mini-Him's set precedent is anything to go by, much earlier!) Who knew? Snakes and green fruit and what not? It's been wonderful; the morning sickness, the sleepiness and everything is still miraculous to me:-)
pic credit - http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1256
those of us who do our feeling--thinking---wrestling with words...deal with the waves of memories--rush of reliving---I hope it all works...be sure and share...you are probably right where you need to be.....I'm hoping for a radical mini her to complete the set....so excited for you
ReplyDeletePam, big hugs to you. I am, at this point, partial to the possibility of a mini-her, though a mini-him 2 will be a gift too. I'll be sure to share how my exercise works. It'll of course, involve lots of paper and ink, and tons of words.
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