Showing posts from 2012

The dragons within

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Beyond here, there be dragons

I used to love all that the warning conveyed to me. A sense of danger, yes, but also something powerful that could alter someone's landscape.

Today, after news of the tragedy in Connecticut, I wonder again if the first journey we set ourselves on, on spring breaks, months of summer break and weekends and days off, should be that trip within. To the bank of our emotional wellspring, to the shores of our intellect, the building blocks of our thought processes - tackle the dragons hiding within, so to speak.

I'm so so sorry for the precious little lives that had cruelty and fear as their last view of this fucked up planet. Aside from a  (useless) wish that this had never happened, I also (hopelessly) wish that those children had not known fear and pain in their last moments.

The parents are the ones who will live with it all now. Terrible knowledge and pointless and persistent thoughts about what their children could've h…


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I wish you were here with me
in moonlight blessed darkness
stretching into dawn.

I wish you were here with me
to feel my dreams before words said
chip away at infinite hope and possibility

I wish you were here with me
to play as dolphins would
unafraid together and unafraid apart

I wish you were here with me
and could stand a question about notions
in the emptiness of space

I wish you stayed to answer
and ponder with me about
upturning our lives to live life fully

I wish the moonlight were a cloak wrapped around us,
the pulsing of hearts visible in a quantum of light only
no strata between thought and word and deed

Being-as the past present and future
with no thought to any of these.
I wish you stayed here with me
so we could just be.

pic credit - Exsodus,


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There was hardly any light. Her breathing hitched as she squeezed into an entrance that wasn't meant to allow anyone. Infact, it kept everyone a cave from an Indiana Jones movie. The way out was never the same as the way in. A cave full of traps and multiple exits, all leading to deadly creatures or perilous drops. There was very little she could see, so she used her hands to feel the walls as she walked forward, her feet they preferred to remain with a seated body. The walls pulsed it seemed...yet it was muted. Not a vibrant thrum, but a low hum..that faded as soon as she honed in on it.

Breathing in deeply, she struggled to hear a pattern that she'd caught. The cave almost froze, the minute she made up her mind.

The knot in her chest grew thicker and tighter. Dark nothingness beckoned ahead and to the sides. Suddenly, the only option she's chosen her whole life was not viable anymore. She didn't want to back out. Sh…

Baby and time...

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It's been an eon since I last visited my blog :-) It dawned on me this morning, as I watched a nearly three month old Mini-Baby smile at the lush greenery outside our bedroom window. I had not intended to let so many days go by. I'd meant to document every stage in fact. But I got caught up. In expected changes, unexpected emotion and a sackful of hopes and dreams.

So, Mini-Baby arrived on May 20. I do believe in astrology and such things, and so I was adamant about Mini-Baby not arriving on that particular day. Nature must have heard only the echo of May 20 in my mind and did everything she could to accommodate my non-wish. But it was surprising, when I watched my water break again, that there was not a single, "Oh NO!!" moment. It was pure happiness all the way.

I remembered Miranda Kerr when I went on to deliver Mini-Baby. I thought of her, inexplicably, when I was trying to push him out. It had been too late to give me an epidural, and so …

Messy perfection...

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Through kisses in the here and now
laundry loads and baked goods interspersed
questions arise of depth, and need.

Quick embraces between carpool and shopping
each touch a reaffirmation of love and care,
questions arise of intangible certainties and the conflicting now.

Warm and reassuring, you hold my hand, as we pick out more "stuff",
together we're in this, for sure, and yet,
questions arise of childhood dreams and unvarnished beliefs.

I see you walk, a slight hunch, a bald spot,
You see me waddle a bit, hair a mess,
dreams of perfection seldom had frames showing the passage of time.

Perfection apparently, includes ketchup stained jammies
and your shirts draped over walnut dining chairs,
Humanness perhaps, the only quality our hopes lacked.

Now we'll aim for more instances
of perfection, instances close to youthful yearning and belief
With messy interludes that make it worth so much more.

pic link -…

I wish I could...

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The weakness I wish I could see
would be you, leaning into me
happy or hurting as I feel
while I could find a moments comfort
in understanding warmer than an embrace.

The weakness I wish I could see
would be you searching for me
when nature's own glamor silences words
while I could share that wonder
and feel as one with nature and you.

The strength I want to give
would be living, but not just to live
to hold on to bright hope even when despair
beats down our door, and you, could see me,
and think that losing for us is not meant to be.

The strength I want to give
would be the certainty that the world could be
your playground, and every theory worth a try
but home would be with me, wherever you go
and I would be home whenever you want me to be.

pic link -

The silence speaks volumes

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The silence speaks volumes
more than volumes of words
filled with wonderment and definitions
not our own.

Our only affirmed means of communication
that the others recognize,
so the others can recognize
that we're linked, you and I, by that intangible something.

The silence speaks volumes
about the space between us
how little it matters
how much it matters
and that the pressure of space is too much to bear.

Yet words hold the key for them and us
with a final piece of paper/ring/gift of recognition
that confirms to us and them what we are
and the definitions and judgements pile on.

The silence speaks volumes
about what you see beyond me
and I you, to the point of fusion,
oneness that exists beyond this world.

And yet, words shield us from their wrath
and strangely, our oneness too,
the world demanding to be let in,
silence broken as surely as a heart.

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Away from you

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Hope like sunbeams
waltzing through a gray canopy
Insistent, persistent, true, it seems
a reminder that you're lost to me.

Certainty perfused, doubt dispelled
Yet I remember flashes of what will never be
Golden happiness on gray ocean held
for seconds before the 'crest of now' sets it free.

Free from yearning memories
Feelings from another time
Life devoid of you, yet abundant clarity
Another spirit, and me, now entwined.

pic credit -

Mini-Him's potent poem

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Mini-Him is an out and out boy. Not given to "softer" pursuits. Rough and tumble, legos and strange creatures from every new Cartoon Network sponsored show make his days more than exciting. And while he has been an only child for nine long years of his little life, I didn't believe he was too lonely. Atleast, not lonely enough to warrant the shocker of a poem he wrote for Haiku practice in his elementary school. It...completely...disturbed me. Yet when I asked him if he actually felt any of what he wrote, he denied it.

"I have you, and my legos, and my Panama now. But still, I have some nice acquaintances here. Why would I be lonely?" he asked, a Ninjago (new fangled legos) Lord Garmadon attacking hapless foot soldiers in some mock battle arranged on our coffee table.

"Did some parts of the poem somewhere?" I asked.

"Nope." he replied, followed by an "aaarrrrghhhh....Lord Garmadon d…

A new place and rumination

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Mini-Baby is partying and I cannot sleep. He (yep, one more for the man-team), knows just where to kick so he can get me dancing with him.

I'm waiting to move into a house. Have been in comfortable limbo for about three weeks now, since I left Panama.

The cold was relentless when I first landed. Mini-Him saw his first snow flurry, and we huddled, cowering against the sight of the frosty hood of the rental car parked outside our hotel window. Him and Mini-Him are thrilled to bits to be back though. They made a bee line for every fast food outlet that they missed over three years, with Mini-Him dragging a reluctant Him to Chuck-E-Cheese's; he returned triumphantly with two hundred coupons in reserve, a four inch green squishy lizard he proceeded to stuff down my back, and a purple gel filled "slappy" thing that clung obscenely to walls.

This is a different world again. Orderly, impeccable, quiet, courteous and distant. I found myself on Panam…

Moving on

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I had to cut short a phone call today because I couldn't hear over the roar of the wind.

The wind that sounds outside the huge windows of our twenty fifth floor apartment is loud and unobstructed. The Panama Bay and the Pacific Ocean beyond are just in front of us; sky scrapers rim the constantly shifting shoreline of Panama City. From the distance, approaching rain seems like grey mist, or like the dust from conquering armies. Dispersed moisture cloaks the scattered islands and most of the mainland. You wonder, momentarily, if you're losing sight or if the world truly is disappearing within the wind whipped rain's embrace. The waters of the bay begin to change color, turning a darker hue. You always know how  the rain is approaching, because the waters directly under the onslaught seem to turn inside out.

I just can't take drama, you know? And now, I'm happy accepting it and won't take anyone else's imposition of it on my life lyi…

Never heard of this before today

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Mini-Him is just nine years old. Aside from adventurous acrobatics and needing to spend a little too much time on the computer/TV, he's basically a sweet natured child.

Which is why, when I browsed through google's formidable links on signs of head injury, (Mini-him bumped his head some time ago, he's been okay...just being extra cautious) and stumbled across the term, parental abuse, I was a little shocked.

I've heard of elder abuse, child abuse, spousal abuse etc. But there were actual cases of parental abuse by teens/preteens/adult kids. Abuse ran the gamut from hitting, throwing things, insults, intimidation and black mail.

Most of the parents truly believed that they were doing their best and were, without exception, shocked in the first instance, and never reported it, in the hope that such instances wouldn't repeat themselves. Which of course, they did, many times over.

I searched deep within myself, trying to imagine a response shoul…

Excerpt from With you in my heart

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With you in my heart is up on Smashwords - here's another excerpt from it...
Taban is a friend from Varun's time in New York. He has a great influence on Varun's life. A little scene from their particular interaction -

Sitting back one evening, Varun studied Taban thoughtfully as he microwaved yet another Cup-a-Soup and enjoyed it like a gourmet dish. As he plopped down in front of the television, he smiled at Varun. It occurred to him that Taban must have faced tremendous odds to be able to leave his country and study pathology in the US. The little things around never bothered him. Running through Central Park in the dusk, Varun asked, “Did you face opposition when you decided to leave Uganda?” Taban laughed and asked in turn, “Who would oppose me?” His tall frame running with ease, he said, “I had no one to re-assure!” He laughed again, bright, strong teeth in a serious face, “I would not accept my fate farming chickens and sweeping refuse for m…

Our raw flawed laws...

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Just had a thought. A few thoughts related to expectations/judgements and guilt.

I do believe that it's important to be able to judge right from wrong. Like the father in Khaled Hosseini's Kites said, there is no greater sinner than one who takes what does not belong to him. I'd add to that list - taking over some one else's person/purpose and molding it to fit your own view of life can have disastrous consequences.

I think it's important to be able to judge for our safety.

It's important to be able to tell a creep/axe-murderer from a non-creep/lumberjack.

Beyond that, I have wonder why we all expect such a whole lot. Especially since, we're so short sighted (literally too, in my case) and ignorant about why we're each here on this planet.

How do we know, for instance, that someone who appears isolated/uninvolved isn't really trying to maintain and inner balance, and for functioning normally, there can't be anything more…

More bullying, another death

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Do visit the Yahoo! link above for the whole story.

Here's another link -

I wrote about bullying some time last year. It's another girl this time and by the looks of it, felt desperate enough to end her very worthy life. No joys of growing up, rites of passage, family unions or anything. The potential for all those moments faded before the fact that she could not deal with cruelty in the here and now. A boy-friend who formed her world and the insults from other girls that filled her world. A teenager's natural angst amplified by careless words and actions.

I read that Amanda Cummings' mother knew and wanted to help. But she was afraid of being picked on even more. Those bullies must feel awfully empowered. Now that they've pushed one over the edge, and the fun's gone (except …