Showing posts from 2013

Desire in shadows

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It was in the shadows
nothing confirmed by words or their ilk
the veil that dropped over chocolate irises
when trying to block the vision of curved waist
through champagne colored silk .

It was in the shadows
the little grimace while turning away
coral tinted lips that broke from a smile
too brief to notice in the insistent glory of summer
except for one who knew how the shadows lay.

The whispered words had been in the shadows of the night
no promises made to stand the strength of day.
Still, desire strong but unprotected without the shadows
was glimpsed in trembling red tipped fingers,
and chocolate eyes that couldn't stay away.

credit - "Red abstract Backgrounds" by photoraidz at

Stunned or benumbed

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"I'm stunned out of my socks!" Mini-Him's post lunch hyperbole caught my attention. I had rarely used the word "stun" "stunning" or "stunned" at home. After Mini-Him's use though, I guess my eyes were open for the word.

The number of times we're told to be "Stunned" by the media is, frankly, stunning. There are any number of women who are stunning, have stunned or plan to "stun" on the red carpet. Scenery of all kinds race to make top favorites as "the most stunning" and nail and hair can also be, stunning.

I had such a giggle when I read Merriam Webster's online dictionary definition for the word "stun" - ( source)

1 - To make senseless, groggy or dizzy (bwaahahahahhaaaa!!!)

2- To shock with noise (Her gown SCREAMED couture?)

3- To overcome especially with paralyzing astonishment or disbelief... (I cannot believe th…


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When I hear about possible second earths and alternate universes, it seems ridiculous that I have to study math, physics and chemistry again.

Huh?! you say...

Yes...I do too. Why, when there is so much going on in the world, any number of things that could upend carefully orchestrated plans to complete licensing requirements, do I have to apply my scrambled from two kids brain to studying what I have before. Never mind that I can't remember jack.

I'd envisioned being 35 and having a tangible self. It is the exact opposite now. There is nothing less tangible than my sense of self. I'm sure a lot of new moms/second-fifth-twentieth time moms might feel the same. I don't see it changing in the near future either. It's rather late to be having questions like "Who am I"...and "What am I here for" plague my nights. I thought that useless questioning ended with my teens. Apparently I still have commonalities with my teen years -…

Weighting for less

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I have a love hate relationship with the weighing scale. When I get on the glass and steel decider of my weekly fate, my heart very nearly slows to a stop. For an insentient thing, it wields an enormous power over my existence.

Which brings me to my existence.

In the beginning, it appeared to go from reminder to reminder.

Reminder 1 - "You've already had your bread for today. No more!"
Reminder 2 - "You've had it good for so long, now stop dreaming of bread."
Reminder 3 - "Drink some water and no, Mini-Him's jalapeno cheese on Him's ciabatta will not do you any favors."

When did I become such a comfort junkie?! Even as I type out the word "comfort", visions of softly resisting, yeasty, steaming bread run across the projector of my mind. Superimposed on an equally fluffy, doughy me.
It seems the hardest thing to give up. Everything else is alright. I love veggies and can eat them all the time. But allowing…

Will weight and see

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I am trying to lose weight. Again.

It's not like I've ever stopped and it's not like I've succeeded long term. I've maintained a constant personal range since my late teens. I've only ever overshot it when I had my children, and went really low when I lost weight unhealthily once. That comforting padding took me through many significant moments and many forgettable (but hard to forget) moments in my life. Comforting because, in my mind, that's really me. I've never been anyone else. That one disastrous time I tried, my hair fell out and my teeth developed micro cavities in them. I can safely say that I do not know the person who will weigh just what the health charts recommend as normal. I don't even know if I am ready to meet her.

"But youthink that you don't consume a whole lot. Keep a diary and you'll see just how many careless calories go into making that body."

I've heard that so many times. So I d…

What you couldn't see

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I miss the way it used to be.

Memories abound -

Of afternoon sunshine warming our toes. Dust motes cloaked in gold waltzed to a saxophone symphony, somehow wrapping us in musical notes that heightened the sense of blue sky, belonging and love.
Warm breezes drifted laden with roasting, baking, spicy enchantment every time she opened the kitchen doors, anklets ringing an announcement of busy-ness. He, fresh from a shower would waltz into our gilded space, dancing with an imaginary someone, before he grabbed her arms, causing the anklets to tink-tink in time with their steps.

You, in your shorts, persistently skinny, lazed on the gold sofas, scuffed knees over the armrest, toes wiggling in a beam of sun. I watched my life, grateful for moments, certain that you and I would remember it, just so in some distant time. Where distances between you and me could be bridged with memories and shared hope, laughter and the love that existed as surely as the air that we bre…

What were those moments?

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What was that moment?
When the heat that lit atmospheric particles to vivid roses and blues
seemed to expand within, saturating cells,
power that didn't hold back seeing as I was an object
in it's path, but rather, that I was the same as the earth
or the roots of trees plugged into the source.

What was that moment?
When her eyes looked at me, like I was someone
someone so separate that her head had to bow,
and her eyes plead while her hand trembled with shame and need?
And the only feeling I had was that the illusion was all too much to bear
A metaphorical curtain, or pseudo civilized rules kept me
from drawing her into a hug and nourishing her as I would myself.

What was that moment?
When his eyes seemed so familiar
almost like a mirror, features somehow dissimilar as day and night,
yet knowledge so old and encompassing shared in a look
felt like souls blending seamlessly and yet,
nothing was ever shared again past that noisy afternoon in the city.


locked in

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Cradling every molten, seamless emotion and thought within,
Sunshine fragments on the impregnable fortress
that locks in love hope and fear.
Brittle fear like aging bones that prop a body too heavy, too frail
Creates a framework for thinking, feeling, doing
life rearranged so that capacity is always a few steps away.

A shade of crimson too radiant to be felt deeply
then diluted in the mind's eye
easier entry into the fortress that disallows boldness
better the memory of the shade than have
cloths of the richest silk caress the skin
cloth in the shade of the boldest crimson.

A glimpse into an answer not easily seen
often followed by a rush of recognition of rarity
soon to be followed by conquering armies in gray
that beat down genius' flame to make way
for the average safe and permissible.

The hitch in the step toward truth
or in the voice raised against wrong
the retreat from the diving board over a sparkling pool
or the souring love that hangs on, fes…

Of New Year and persistent violations

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Happy New Year everyone!

By that I mean that I wish you a ton of happiness more than last year.

Happiness that comes from dispelling clouds within, thoughts that form the toughest rope ladders anchored to the sturdiest posts of beliefs that drag us out of the abyss. The abyss that unfortunate people seemed to have fallen into last year, and unable to do any better, dragged a whole bunch of people down under with them.

Other than Mini-baby's birth and the joy around his babyhood, 2012 was a year best left behind. For me. I can't allow myself to feel that extent of helplessness ever again and go about like nothing is wrong with the world.

After that last shooting, I went online to look into mental illness. There seems to be a ton of frightening research that actually questions some very basic treatment approaches. Nothing simple will answer necessary questions. There is so much that is culturally ingrained that to "make it all right", one has t…