Wednesday, January 30, 2013

What you couldn't see

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photo credit -
"Sunrise In The Sea With Softwave And Cloudy" by moggara12
I miss the way it used to be.

Memories abound -

Of afternoon sunshine warming our toes. Dust motes cloaked in gold waltzed to a saxophone symphony, somehow wrapping us in musical notes that heightened the sense of blue sky, belonging and love.
Warm breezes drifted laden with roasting, baking, spicy enchantment every time she opened the kitchen doors, anklets ringing an announcement of busy-ness. He, fresh from a shower would waltz into our gilded space, dancing with an imaginary someone, before he grabbed her arms, causing the anklets to tink-tink in time with their steps.

You, in your shorts, persistently skinny, lazed on the gold sofas, scuffed knees over the armrest, toes wiggling in a beam of sun. I watched my life, grateful for moments, certain that you and I would remember it, just so in some distant time. Where distances between you and me could be bridged with memories and shared hope, laughter and the love that existed as surely as the air that we breathe.

I remind myself of this today, when battling the deep sorrow that I fight often, realizing that the love I saw then, would not be enough for you to remember with gladness. That every memory I ever had with you, was only of light and love, and most of your memories, a battle between you and yourself. The love has been enough to take me through harsher times, and for you, there was not that strength to fall back upon, perhaps because you could not see it.

I tell my heart to still, and reassure it. My heart and I know of love, and you, standing in it's midst, could not see it, for it's brightness hurt your eyes.

Perhaps one day, you will wear your shades, and be able to face what we had. Perhaps one day, we'll both see it the same way. Neither yours nor mine.

Soon enough, that you open to those who remain from those times. Time and people, go one way.

I love you and I miss you.

pic credit - <p>Image courtesy of [moggara12] / <a href="" target="_blank"></a></p>

Saturday, January 19, 2013

What were those moments?

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photocredit : Guardians of the Light by sattva,

What was that moment?
When the heat that lit atmospheric particles to vivid roses and blues
seemed to expand within, saturating cells,
power that didn't hold back seeing as I was an object
in it's path, but rather, that I was the same as the earth
or the roots of trees plugged into the source.

What was that moment?
When her eyes looked at me, like I was someone
someone so separate that her head had to bow,
and her eyes plead while her hand trembled with shame and need?
And the only feeling I had was that the illusion was all too much to bear
A metaphorical curtain, or pseudo civilized rules kept me
from drawing her into a hug and nourishing her as I would myself.

What was that moment?
When his eyes seemed so familiar
almost like a mirror, features somehow dissimilar as day and night,
yet knowledge so old and encompassing shared in a look
felt like souls blending seamlessly and yet,
nothing was ever shared again past that noisy afternoon in the city.

What was that moment?
When the starry sky seemed a ceiling,
too restrictive for truths to be set free
truths that belonged in the endless "absence of light"
and in vast incinerating swirls of energy that would set alight
truth far beyond our first concept of time's beginning.

What were those moments?
Moments that cause barren snow filled swathes
and verdant hills not yet called home,
to feel like props in a play,
people as actors who double as audience in a great
ceaseless play that bares only what we show
and what others think they know.
Moments that seem like they could,
on the formation of a single thought, or utterance of a single word,
zap the play and charade
unraveling what surely must be
right in front of me.
Unravel the truth to set us free...

pic credit - "Guardians of The Light" by sattva,

Saturday, January 5, 2013

locked in

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Cradling every molten, seamless emotion and thought within,
Sunshine fragments on the impregnable fortress
that locks in love hope and fear.
Brittle fear like aging bones that prop a body too heavy, too frail
credit - Tom Curtis, Bamburgh Castle,
Creates a framework for thinking, feeling, doing
life rearranged so that capacity is always a few steps away.

A shade of crimson too radiant to be felt deeply
then diluted in the mind's eye
easier entry into the fortress that disallows boldness
better the memory of the shade than have
cloths of the richest silk caress the skin
cloth in the shade of the boldest crimson.

A glimpse into an answer not easily seen
often followed by a rush of recognition of rarity
soon to be followed by conquering armies in gray
that beat down genius' flame to make way
for the average safe and permissible.

The hitch in the step toward truth
or in the voice raised against wrong
the retreat from the diving board over a sparkling pool
or the souring love that hangs on, festering.

Would that I knew the way out
or better still, the way in to decimate the fortress
leave it crumbling so that the frail body
can heal and live free.

credit - Bamburgh Castle, Tom Curtis,

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Of New Year and persistent violations

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Happy New Year everyone!

By that I mean that I wish you a ton of happiness more than last year.

Happiness that comes from dispelling clouds within, thoughts that form the toughest rope ladders anchored to the sturdiest posts of beliefs that drag us out of the abyss. The abyss that unfortunate people seemed to have fallen into last year, and unable to do any better, dragged a whole bunch of people down under with them.

Other than Mini-baby's birth and the joy around his babyhood, 2012 was a year best left behind. For me. I can't allow myself to feel that extent of helplessness ever again and go about like nothing is wrong with the world.

After that last shooting, I went online to look into mental illness. There seems to be a ton of frightening research that actually questions some very basic treatment approaches. Nothing simple will answer necessary questions. There is so much that is culturally ingrained that to "make it all right", one has to decimate entire belief systems. Most other solutions that we will be compelled to adopt will be half measures. Never enough, but a bandaid nonetheless.

Then there was that unfortunate soul in India who was violated in every way possible. It does come to mind that that level of cruelty is commonplace in many countries, and in varied situations ranging from wars to late night walks. None of the incidents should have been allowed to happen.

Who allows them then? The perpetrators of course. Then comes the very difficult "why"? The wastrels involved in the crime in India actually said that they wanted to "teach the girl a lesson." Judging by the progression of events, it appears that they took offense to her being out at night, with a male friend. There is everything wrong with this scenario. Everything.

They believed that she didn't deserve to be out. If she had been working that late, likely they would have wanted to "impart lessons" then too.

The very foundation of society is shaky. Built on belief systems that are in constant flux. A woman's place is still regulated by uncontrollable urges in a man and tragically, her own physical vulnerability.

I thought about the protests, articles, and the pervasive outrage. Yes, women should be able to do what they want. Yes, they must be able to wear what they want and be where they want to be. Truly, it is the same for every species in the planet. One does not see a tigress or a jilly goat run and cover her femininity. Or refuse to hunt to graze because there are other tigers and billy goats in the vicinity. It's for women that these rules are made. By society. By other women and men. Because they may be helpless while doing something as mundane as walking under starry skies.

We are now hoping for strict laws and the eventual civilization of the entire human species to ensure that women can live with the same sense of safety and well being as men.

There must be laws, for they are the sole deterrent. While there will always be men who rely on coercion and the chance that they won't get caught, still others will keep their privates and dirty minds in check.

credit -
What's to be done about the civilization bit though? What does one do about rapes that happen during wartime? Simple shows of strength in closed quarters? Economically backward men who think that there is just one way to get even and avenge their lot in life? Still others who use religion and some form of superiority as tools against the weak?

We're roaring forward in many ways. Breaking barriers, testing limits and redefining ourselves every minute of every day. And then, there is a vast population of the earth, that is still left behind, waiting, watching in awe and fear. They have their belief systems, completely out of sync with the rest of the modern world. It struck me when I read that the men wanted to "teach her a lesson." My extreme interpretation of that is that they didn't believe she had a right to her own body.

The people in this instance happened to be from an economic class for whom laws meant little. They made their own laws apparently. That's the majority of the world's population.

There are still others who have more, dress better and don't think twice about violating a body.

This was about a woman. There are children who go through this too.

When one breaks things down, completely, without the props of a civilized life and the facade of normal that we wear on a daily basis, it does come down to an assertion of physical strength.

The light of civilization, it seems, has not lit every dark corner. There are still spaces that remain hidden and out of reach. I suppose this is where violators go to indulge...some manner of understanding known only to them that makes this alright.

It appears that I have no right to expect anything of anyone. Simply because I will never know how many unlit corners another human might possess. I will never know how many lies someone is telling themselves while they imagine their right to my person.

I'm completely hurt and enraged by it all.

We can rely on laws only and our own sense of self preservation to combat danger. There is always the question of, "What if it isn't enough?" A viable question considering the victim in the gruesome rape absolutely tried to defend herself. What could she do against six thugs? She had a male companion too. Apparently that went against them both.

One can't stop living. And it's time to stop referring to women like victims even before they can be hurt. It must certainly contribute to the sense of power a potential rapist feels.

Cavemen dragged women away as and when they pleased. I think that women have evolved a great deal. The men haven't caught up. Not all of them. The caveman lurks. And they want to make the rules. In whole countries no less.

Heaven help.

credit : Image courtesy of worradmu /"