Showing posts from January, 2013

What you couldn't see

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I miss the way it used to be.

Memories abound -

Of afternoon sunshine warming our toes. Dust motes cloaked in gold waltzed to a saxophone symphony, somehow wrapping us in musical notes that heightened the sense of blue sky, belonging and love.
Warm breezes drifted laden with roasting, baking, spicy enchantment every time she opened the kitchen doors, anklets ringing an announcement of busy-ness. He, fresh from a shower would waltz into our gilded space, dancing with an imaginary someone, before he grabbed her arms, causing the anklets to tink-tink in time with their steps.

You, in your shorts, persistently skinny, lazed on the gold sofas, scuffed knees over the armrest, toes wiggling in a beam of sun. I watched my life, grateful for moments, certain that you and I would remember it, just so in some distant time. Where distances between you and me could be bridged with memories and shared hope, laughter and the love that existed as surely as the air that we bre…

What were those moments?

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What was that moment?
When the heat that lit atmospheric particles to vivid roses and blues
seemed to expand within, saturating cells,
power that didn't hold back seeing as I was an object
in it's path, but rather, that I was the same as the earth
or the roots of trees plugged into the source.

What was that moment?
When her eyes looked at me, like I was someone
someone so separate that her head had to bow,
and her eyes plead while her hand trembled with shame and need?
And the only feeling I had was that the illusion was all too much to bear
A metaphorical curtain, or pseudo civilized rules kept me
from drawing her into a hug and nourishing her as I would myself.

What was that moment?
When his eyes seemed so familiar
almost like a mirror, features somehow dissimilar as day and night,
yet knowledge so old and encompassing shared in a look
felt like souls blending seamlessly and yet,
nothing was ever shared again past that noisy afternoon in the city.


locked in

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Cradling every molten, seamless emotion and thought within,
Sunshine fragments on the impregnable fortress
that locks in love hope and fear.
Brittle fear like aging bones that prop a body too heavy, too frail
Creates a framework for thinking, feeling, doing
life rearranged so that capacity is always a few steps away.

A shade of crimson too radiant to be felt deeply
then diluted in the mind's eye
easier entry into the fortress that disallows boldness
better the memory of the shade than have
cloths of the richest silk caress the skin
cloth in the shade of the boldest crimson.

A glimpse into an answer not easily seen
often followed by a rush of recognition of rarity
soon to be followed by conquering armies in gray
that beat down genius' flame to make way
for the average safe and permissible.

The hitch in the step toward truth
or in the voice raised against wrong
the retreat from the diving board over a sparkling pool
or the souring love that hangs on, fes…

Of New Year and persistent violations

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Happy New Year everyone!

By that I mean that I wish you a ton of happiness more than last year.

Happiness that comes from dispelling clouds within, thoughts that form the toughest rope ladders anchored to the sturdiest posts of beliefs that drag us out of the abyss. The abyss that unfortunate people seemed to have fallen into last year, and unable to do any better, dragged a whole bunch of people down under with them.

Other than Mini-baby's birth and the joy around his babyhood, 2012 was a year best left behind. For me. I can't allow myself to feel that extent of helplessness ever again and go about like nothing is wrong with the world.

After that last shooting, I went online to look into mental illness. There seems to be a ton of frightening research that actually questions some very basic treatment approaches. Nothing simple will answer necessary questions. There is so much that is culturally ingrained that to "make it all right", one has t…