The balance between give and take does not seem to exist by minute. Or hour. Or days...and it seems to me at this frustrating moment, not in years either. I do believe in the universal law of checks and balances, and often pray/hope that I won't have to wait another lifetime to acquire the good, by which time, I'm sure I would not remember or even know that it is "the good from giving" that I am being gifted. If I won't even be me, how does it matter?
And I think, this last is the point of all our personal/religious/rationalist theories...that in the end, it shouldn't matter. And that the checks and balances exist but may not be ours to witness. Or ours to benefit from.
It would then mean that we're a species as connected as we are separate. I refuse to believe that humanity evolved and continues to evolve (devolve?) at random. And at some point, what happens to one, trickles down/sideways/thru time warps etc to happen to all of us.
|"Hands Holding Anything" by m_bartosch|
And that's my conundrum for today, and has been for a while. How much can one keep giving, without making a martyr of oneself, without refueling to give that much more, and without it becoming their very identity?
"Charity Gave-a-lot? Ohhh she's always there for everyone. She has such a challenging home life yet she never thinks of herself. Only of everyone else!"
There's so much wrong with this. First, that Charity Gave-a-lot cares nothing for herself, or her home, but has enough resources for the rest of the world. And where is Charity getting the resources from, that she can't try to make it better at home first? Or even, try to make herself better? I understand when folks can't set things right at home because there are too many complexities involved. And giving to others eases some of the heaviness in the heart, and the soul. But where does one draw the line? Between Charity and the home, and Charity and the world? Because Charity can't give forever. Not unless she forgets herself and decides that it is not going to matter.
And that sooner or later, all that giving will return as good many times over, and she may not see it, or know it, but it will be there, and will be there because of her.
I'm not sure that I want to be Charity, or if I can make peace with my round-about view of things. I hope I can understand this "endless giving" in a way that is acceptable.
Maybe I just need to re-fuel; maybe I just need to let go of notions that no longer serve me. But first, there needs to be a balance. Between giving, and how much one is willing to let go of while expecting something in return.
Image credit " "Hands Holding Anything" by m_bartosch through www.freedigitalphotos.com