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I've been running so fast that I'm constantly surprised that the world around me seems unchanged when I step out of home. And that's really it. I've been home and doing home-ly things since September. Not that I don't get out. But let's just say that the cashier at the local store asked me why I didn't pick up a bit of produce that week that had been discounted. "You always buy that!" she said, looking around for someone to bring me the said produce that was 40% off that week.

Another cashier at another store looked at Baby Him and said "I like his Tigger t-shirt...he hasn't worn it the last few times that you've been here."

Life is predictable, and cashiers of all persuasions know what I'm about. I just don't anymore.

There are moments when bottomless tiredness makes me want to run toward silence and calm. And then there are times when it seems like I have to direct my disobeying body toward what must be done.

I have strange moments when I wonder...and this is what kills in the end. Not planning ahead for a future that suddenly seems set in stone, but the *itch called hindsight who is full of I-told-you-so's. Moments when I wonder if I should've made a trip I was too tired to join. Moments when I wonder, about my childhood, when my Mom would express joy at a field of flowers, and I in teenage arrogance, would dismiss it as  "nothing special"...I wonder if I couldn't have said what I really felt. If I couldn't possibly have joined her when she walked through the field, looking so happy inspite of a sullen teen who refused happiness. I wonder what might've been if I had put my foot down, hard enough, strong enough to disband burdensome advice.

But most of all, I wonder if life will ever mean more than basics. If all the grandiose ideas that we are taught to have actually have place in our lives. If joy can be a part of our daily existence and misery never be allowed to occupy our spaces. I'd never have wondered about this some months ago. But a mono chromatic existence makes me long for more. The sun, time in solitude, music, the waves, but mostly, silence in which my thoughts can flow uninterrupted, and when I can write what I really feel.

I don't intend to have such a morbid post again. A little kvetching today.



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